Building a Legacy: Brian Anderson Shares Journey Co-Founding Fathering Together
I had the pleasure of chatting with Brian Anderson, the Co-Founder and current Board President of Fathering Together, a non-profit dedicated to transforming dads into positive change agents. Through panel discussions, support groups, and efforts to reshape the narrative of fatherhood, Fathering Together is making a significant impact.
In our conversation, Brian shared insights into his religious background, perspectives on masculinity, the journey of co-founding Fathering Together, and details about his book. I hope you’ll find this interview as insightful and engaging as I did.
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This interview was edited for length and clarity.
Suraj: Hi Brian! It is nice to speak with you again. I started The Multicultural Man to amplify culturally diverse stories of masculinity that promote health and peace. With your work around supporting fathers, I thought you would be an excellent person to have a conversation with. Do you mind sharing a little about your cultural or religious background first?
Brian: Sure! I was raised Roman Catholic. I was an altar boy, led my youth group, and was very engaged. Once I was in college, I starting exploring other things. I practiced Buddhism. I was part of a Native American sweat lodge and spiritual community as a social worker in Anchorage. In my 30s, I got married and returned to the Catholic Church. I got a masters in Pastoral Studies. Now, I would say I’m more of a humanist with spiritual tendencies.
Suraj: It is interesting to hear your journey. It’s very interfaith in nature. Do you have any religious practices that you follow now?
Brian: I have a deep relationship with God and pray and meditate every day. Sometimes, I use Catholic prayers. Sometimes I just use a Catholic Christian perspective.
Suraj: Do you find that this perspective influences how you move through the world as a man?
Brian: Yeah, all of these traditions influence my understanding of manhood and masculinity. From a Judeo-Christian context, I reference the Parable of the Prodigal Son a lot. I’ve also found a couple other biblical passages. There is one Bible passage (1 Kings 19:1-18) with Elijah, where we learn that God is not found in the wind, earthquake, or fire. God is found in the quiet whisper of solitude. For me, it’s a great metaphor for how we hear the voice of God and our children and all of the chaos and business of our world around us.
Suraj: I love that. Speaking of children, how has your understanding of masculinity been influenced by fatherhood?
Brian: I was very blessed to have a dad who cared and showcased what masculinity should be. From the beginning, my dad was a servant leader to me and my sister, but also to everybody in our community. He chose a job that allowed him flexibility to spend time with us, but also make money that provided for us. It taught me that fatherhood in masculinity is to earn what you need to earn, but don’t let that rule your life. Always have time for your kids and put your children and family first.
Suraj: Has this definition of fatherhood influenced how your interact with your children?
Brian: I consider caring and compassion as a rule of thumb over the strong, silent, emotionless type. We all have to be able to roll with the punches and allow for that flexibility, not just in who you are as a father but also the journey that your children go through. For example, I could hope that my daughters would get into theater and whether they do or not, I don’t care. I still love them. They are on their own journey, so I just accept them for where they are at. I push a little to help them know what they want, but I’m not demanding anything. That is something my dad instilled in me. I never felt that I had to be anything I wasn’t.
Suraj: That type of unconditional love is what every child needs to thrive.
Brian: Yeah, one other piece is advocating for your child in spaces where they don’t have a voice. Whether that is around their gender identity, sexuality, or identity in general.
Suraj: Absolutely. Advocating for your children is important. I would love to hear more about the work you are doing with your organization, Fathering Together.
Brian: In the very beginning when my children were born, particularly my first daughter, I didn’t have any dad friends because nobody had kids yet. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I figured I should have a community of dads to help me get through this journey.
Formally, there was a Facebook group. My friend, Chris, started one called Dads with Daughters and it exploded with numbers for a lot of reasons. Currently, the group has almost 130,000 members around the world. As the group started growing and people were asking all sorts of questions to one another, it was very clear that dads needed support. Instead of it being a Facebook group, I said we should form a non-profit and help get grants and resources.
In 2019, we got a board together and submitted bylaws. Then, the pandemic struck. Instead of building an in-person network of dads around the country, we doubled down on the virtual space. We wanted to build a community of dads and then infuse that community with resources and support for them to be the best dads they can be and become advocates for change in their communities.
With our new executive director and some of the projects we are doing now, we’re really focused in school programs and getting dads involved in schools and supporting their children’s growth, development, and education.
We have recently merged with another dad community, so now we are over 150,000 dads. About 20,000 dads are in communities that are meeting regularly in various cities in the US. It’s awesome. We are also the only progressive dad community of this scale. There are smaller ones that we are in relationship with, but there are quite a few organizations that are still upholding patriarchy or the idea that men should be the leaders of the home rather than being part of the leadership of the home. So, we have to really fight to get our voice heard.
Suraj: Wow, this is incredible. Congratulations on building this massive community. You recently wrote a book called Fathering Together too. Can you share more about it as well?
Brian: Through all the people I was working with, coaching, and mentoring, I was noticing all these trends. I looked up fatherhood and leadership, and only found a few blogs. So, I wrote it. It’s a user’s guide to being a servant leader and father. It talks about building relationships with your children where you are physically, emotionally, and spiritually connected. How are you advocating for community so that they have a better life than you ever did?
Suraj: I can’t wait to read it. You mentioned the term servant leadership. Can you share what that means to you?
Brian: It was originally developed by Robert Greenleaf. As the leader of a big company, he realized that he needed to serve his staff, not the clients. By serving his staff, he was creating opportunities for them to grow within the company. His staff should identify with the company so that they felt some ownership over the organization.
When I was researching for the book, every dad that I talked to used similar language that Robert Greenleaf used in terms of leadership and wanting what is best for their children. They wanted to create opportunities for their children and expose them to different interests and hobbies. I saw all these parallels between fatherhood and servant leadership.
Suraj: Can you say more?
Brian: So, a good dad is one who realizes that their life is no longer their own right as soon as their child is born. Even if their child is 20 or 25, there’s an element of everything that I do ties back to how this will benefit my child. If the task is a purely selfish act, I still have this logic decision-making tree in my head on whether I should do it or not. If it is a five-minute meditative moment or a guilty pleasure to unwind, I’ll do it. But, for those big decisions like vacations or buying a new car or finding a new job, it weighs heavily on me what the ultimate impact will be on my child. Will there be opportunities for my child to grow and flourish with this decision that I’m making? That’s what servant leadership is to me as a father.
Suraj: Incredible! What is something that you learned from either writing the book or organizing efforts for the community?
Brian: How many dads resort to preparing for fatherhood by building a crib, doing physical stuff to prepare the house, but not necessarily doing the internal work of how this child is going to radically change my life. Am I okay with that? If I am not okay with that, how do I get okay with it?
Suraj: How do you support dads on that journey of getting to a place where they are okay with it, or is it an ongoing process?
Brian: I mean, building a crib is by no means something you shouldn’t do. Obviously, do all the things you can. I have counseled dads to attend the doctor’s appointments with their wives and be a part of the birth plan that their wife is thinking about constantly. In addition to preparing the house with the crib and nursery, research meals, bottle containers, etc.
There was one guy I interviewed who went on a personal retreat with his wife and did a pros and cons list on whether they wanted to be parents. Not everybody needs to make a list. For him, it totally made sense. He went on a personal journey where he spent time reflecting in journals on the challenges that he would have to reconcile, his career ambitions, and how they would work with raising children. He has three boys now, and doesn’t feel like he had to sacrifice his career. He’s just evolved his career to meet the needs of his family.
Suraj: I love that idea. Engaging in deep introspection to truly understand whether you should bring and/or raise children in this world is important. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I really enjoyed this interview. One last question for you, where we can get your book?
Brian: You can find it on Amazon. There are a few Barnes and Nobles and major online stores that carry it as well. I also have a website called The Connected Dad Life. The proceeds of the book go to the organization, Fathering Together.
Suraj: Amazing! Thank you so much!
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