Beyond the Classroom: Mediating Conflict with Educator Matt Segil
I had the privilege of interviewing my good friend, Matt Segil, an educator in the Boston area. As a Jewish man, he approaches the world with the core values of empathy and Tikkun olam – a Jewish principle focused on repairing the world.
In our conversation, we delve into his background, his experiences around masculinity, and primarily focus on how he employs tools for emotional expression and conflict mediation with his students. Matt highlights the importance of effective self-expression, emphasizing that improved communication directly helps with the management of emotional problems. Read the full interview below.
This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Suraj: Hey Matt! Thank you for joining me today. I started The Multicultural Man to amplify culturally diverse stories of masculinity that promote health and peace. I am thrilled to chat with you today. Do you mind sharing a little about your religious or cultural background?
Matt: Sure! I was raised in New Hampshire in a relatively small town. Both my parents came from Jewish homes. They were part of our local temple, so we would go for services on Fridays and for temple or religious school on Wednesdays and Sundays.
Suraj: How did visiting the temple impact your worldview?
Matt: A big part of growing up for me was being in the temple community and seeing all the different faces like the folks who ran the soup kitchen, folks who were at the oneg, an after Shabbat meal, and the people who were leading services and singing. It was very nice for me.
Suraj: It seems like community was an integral part of your upbringing.
Matt: I enjoyed being part of this community growing up and culturally, those moments and values were where I got a lot of my ethical messaging about how to be a good person. I was in a reformed Jewish community, which is less strictly adhering to a literal interpretation of the Torah. In fact, there’s not really the sense that there is a literal interpretation in my community. There was an emphasis on the Jewish values that the community held.
Suraj: Could you share one of those values?
Matt: One very well-known value is Tikkun olam, which means repairing the world. That’s something I think a lot of people resonated with as it gives them a chance to go out there and help people make the world a better place. That’s pretty easy to get behind.
Suraj: Absolutely. Are there any stories or lessons from your religious or cultural background that have influenced how you navigate the world as a man?
Matt: I definitely saw some elements of masculinity in the religious space, but the reason I am thoughtful about masculinity is because my parents were thoughtful about it.
Suraj: How so?
Matt: My dad is an OBGYN, so he is more in touch with issues outside of the male sphere. When I think about healthy masculinity, it means thinking about people other than just men and not basing everything around men’s wants, needs, and desires. So, I grew up with that type of influence, which I appreciated.
Suraj: Oh, that is a really interesting definition of healthy masculinity. Was there anything else you learned from your dad?
Matt: My dad modeled a lot of affection, which I wasn’t necessarily seeing with a lot of other adult males in my life. He would hug and be open with the fact that he cared about my family and his friends. I remember I saw my dad cry at my Bar Mitzvah and I thought, it must be a crazy event for that to be happening. As I’ve gotten older, he’s become more open with his emotions. I appreciate the way he’s modeled that one can be strong and can have passionate feelings. Sometimes that’s not anger, that’s sadness. That’s another piece of the masculinity conversation, having a range of expression is important for processing life events. When you are constrained to just anger, frustration, and these traditionally masculine emotions, it’s really limiting.
Suraj: It really is. Was your dad the main source of education around masculinity when you were growing up?
Matt: Growing up, I had a pretty tight group of friends. There were four or five of us that knew each other since we were in elementary school. There is this masculinity osmosis that filters into middle schools, whether it is what we see on TV or through music. Music was a big part of my friend group. There was misogynistic language that was used in the music. It’s something that I wasn’t critical of at the time, but have become more so as I’ve gotten older.
Suraj: Yeah, we didn’t know then what we know now. For people who did now then, it might have been scary to speak up against the norm since portrayals of masculinity is heightened in grade school settings.
Matt: At the time, I didn’t know anybody who was really thoughtful about rejecting misogynistic language. Misogynistic language does not empower women, and to some extent, it’s this objectifying language that makes it easier to harm a person and be less thoughtful about their feelings. Language can increase the divide in relating to one another. I reflected on this language after high school and became more thoughtful about the way I talk.
Suraj: I know you are an educator and I’m curious how these experiences have influenced your work today. But first, do you mind sharing a little about the work you do?
Matt: I started teaching seventh grade science and transitioned to teaching eighth grade math. I’ve taught all the middle school grades and did that for four years. I spent a year as a private tutor in math and science. Now, I run an after school robotics program focused on providing resources to youth in the Cambridge area.
Suraj: Noting the previous experiences in grade school you shared, how has that influenced how you teach your students about the language they use now?
Matt: My methods depended on the schools and the demographics of where I worked as well as how receptive the students are to these ideas or how much they’ve already heard them. In certain districts, it was tough. I would talk to kids about their language, which was really hard to change. What I tried to do was start with curiosity and ask, why are you saying that? Or, do you know where that word comes from? I would try to open the dialogue rather than say “you can’t say that” or “don’t do that.” That’s not a way to change someone’s mindset and in many cases, it’s counterproductive in a school.
Suraj: That makes sense. When you tell a kid not to do something, they are likely to do it especially if it grants them status among their peers.
Matt: You know, some teachers would have full sit-down talks with students. Some students did process it, but it is tough when everybody around them is using words in a certain way. I think changing the way you express yourself is a reasonable ask for a 13-year-old, but policing your friends’ language is difficult to do socially.
Suraj: You’ve worked in different types of school settings. Was this the case in most of your schools?
Matt: When I worked in a different district where the demographics were different and the culture didn’t use misogynistic and homophobic language, the language issues didn’t come up very often. If they did, the sit-down conversations were more effective. These students were more open to these ideas to begin with.
Suraj: What did you discuss during these sit-down conversations?
Matt: I worked on emotional processing and conflict resolution. I would give students a sample altercation like two kids are in a fight at recess. I would then give them a script and they would act out this role play. Then, the students get more information like the kid in the example is new to the school and doesn’t know the rules. The students would then be asked to look at the feelings wheel. It’s a wheel with a whole spectrum from fear, embarrassment, anger, and excitement. The idea is that the more specific you can be with an emotion, the more accurately you can identify what needs to happen. For example, if I feel anger, then the anger might contain a bunch of other things such as resentment or maybe offense.
Suraj: I love this wheel! I see many uses for this tool.
Matt: Yeah, I encouraged them to think about other people when using the wheel. What do you think this person is feeling? Be as specific as you can. Do they need some community or maybe freedom of expression? With this, we build empathy.
Suraj: This would be helpful for adults too.
Matt: Absolutely. There is another thing called faux feelings, which are emotions masquerading around as something else. For example, if you feel belittled, that might involve feeling hurt, intense, or distressed. What you need is respect or autonomy. It is a wonderful way to have a restorative conversation.
Suraj: Was this tool well-received among your students?
Matt: There were a couple of students who clung onto it. I saw them carrying it around their binders. The fundamental idea that I try to communicate to kids is that the better you can express yourself, the better you are going to be able to manage your emotional problems. That doesn’t mean they are solved. To use medicine as an example, it’s like identifying the cause of the injury or illness and being as specific as you can is going to help you find what you need.
Suraj: Was identifying one’s emotions the tool you used for teaching students about conflict resolution?
Matt: Exactly. My whole case rested on the idea that if students learned to express themselves better, they would be able to prevent conflicts before they arose and deal with the ones that inevitably would. Tying back to the idea about how men and women express themselves, it’s like men are limited in what they are supposed to express. That definitely contributes to conflict.
Suraj: Do you use these conflict resolution strategies in other parts of your life?
Matt: I actually use it in my work as a volunteer mediator. One year ago, I took a training to learn how to mediate. A friend of mine knew about the work I was doing in schools and he said this a really great way to develop this skill. I was all about it. I took the course and I loved it. They accepted a couple of volunteers to help mediate small claims cases and fortunately, I was able to join the roster. Now, about once a month, I’ll mediate with another person on this team. It’s usually over Zoom. It’s called facilitated mediation. It’s helping folks that are having difficulty communicating do a better job. It works by summarizing what a person said. That’s the active listening piece. Then, you show them that you understand them. That’s the empathy piece.
Suraj: I’m glad the approach incorporates empathy into it.
Matt: Showing that you understand someone’s emotion has such immense power. In these conversations and in our personal lives, you see a lot of repeating the same thing in an argument. It’s incredible how repeating back to a person what you heard and demonstrate your understanding can dissolve conflict and allow for progress. I like to seek first to understand, then to be understood. The thing that I’ve loved about it has been the satisfaction of helping people feel heard.
Suraj: I’m glad you are in this role, helping mediate conflict. I am aware that you organize people regularly to have dialogues about many meaningful topics. Can you share more about this work?
Matt: Sure. The Bread Breakers is an interfaith group I’ve been running for about six years now. The central idea is hosting a Shabbat dinner, a traditional Friday night dinner in the Jewish faith, and educating folks about the Jewish rituals and philosophical traditions. I create a space for spiritual dialogue. Folks come over around 7:00 pm on Friday. We hang out, do an interfaith activity like artifact share or conversations in small groups. I really enjoy creating space for conversation. I find people want it. We then have a great meal and play some music afterwards. I’m lucky to have some talented friends who are like semi-professional musicians and a cappella singers. We just have a great time together.
Suraj: What do you have planned next for The Bread Breakers?
Matt: One of the values of our community is service. I think it’s time that was taken a bit more seriously. I plan to organize quarterly service events for our members and give folks that are already part of the network leadership roles to organize these events. I’m really looking forward to doing that.
Suraj: Amazing! Thank you for sharing your work and thoughts related to healthy and peaceful masculinity with me, Matt. I enjoyed this conversation.
Matt: Anytime! Thank you for having me.
If you are interested in following Matt Segil, you can find him on LinkedIn.